Recently I had to draw on all my self-compassion reserves and practises when I gave my lodger notice to move out and he behaved angrily towards me.
I could feel lots of child parts of me feeling hurt and that it was unfair so I was very careful to sit with them, rather than react to my lodger.
It wasn’t just child parts that were triggered – it was also parts of me from my 20s and 30s who needed to express and heal from relationships I’d ended and felt guilty about ending (as if it wasn’t my right to end them!).
I allowed it all to unfold, holding space for these parts to feel the feelings I couldn’t really feel back when they were traumatised. I also released a lot of shame and guilt that wasn’t mine, and some that was.
It was not an easy process. In fact I felt great discomfort for a number of days. Inner work is not always lovely and light. It’s also about sitting with the darkness and allowing it to be just as it is so you can feel and process and love the hurts.
I’m so grateful to my lodger for his angry reaction and the judgements he made that triggered these parts to bubble up. Whatever situations we find ourselves in are opportunities to heal and learn.
Once the processing finished I found I felt more whole, more authentic, which means I know myself more. From this space I set and maintain boundaries with greater ease. Does this make sense? Let me know in the comments :o)
I teach the techniques for this in my Sage and Saboteur Empathy Activation 3 Part Series program. It soon becomes second nature when you seize the opportunities to embrace your saboteurs (the parts of you that make you self-sabotage) and, more importantly, those hurt parts of you that need to express themselves for healing to take place.
Are you ready to be more whole, more authentic and set boundaries with greater ease? You can apply to take the Sage and Saboteur Empathy Activation program by booking your clarity call and we’ll see if it’s a good fit for you. Click the button below to apply.
This is an old notebook that I repurposed as a collage sketchbook. I love that it has no purpose other than for me to play. It will never be sold or exhibited. It is simply for me to stick things in and doodle on.
I very much enjoyed sticking and doodling yesterday. It’s been a while. I’d gotten into the habit of do, do, doing. This is, of course, self-sabotage. I call this particular saboteur the Hyper Achiever.
The Hyper Achiever saboteur, along with the Avoider saboteur, help me to avoid painful situations or emotions by constantly doing. I’ve made a tool to help you identify your top saboteurs (awareness is the first step to creating change): https://www.subscribepage.com/identifyyoursaboteurs.
I feel like there’s a lot of self-sabotage like this going on for a lot of people at the moment because of all the anxiety created by media messages of fear and judgement around Covid and what we should or shouldn’t be doing.
What helped me was stopping for a few days with a good friend. We played together. We made cacao and had ceremonies, leading into creative activities. It helped me unwind and reflect on where I was at.
I have a business that I love, but my boundaries had loosened around the hours I was putting in. I’m doing a Masters in Creative Psychotherapy and I had not been giving myself time to process from those sessions. Instead I was trying to tune out with TV. I was feeling unhappy about my living arrangement but because of all the other things, I hadn’t felt like there was time to sort that out.
It’s all about priorities and taking regular breaks to check in with myself and be, create, or whatever I need to do to be with myself authentically. So I started playing again. Giving myself space to play without purpose and it feels GREAT! And also to listen to the traumatised parts of me, but that’s another story I’ll tell you another time…
What’s your favourite way of playing? Leave me a comment below and let me know.
Love Julia xxx
P.S. Want to have a chat about how I can help you with embracing your saboteurs (imagine that!)? Let’s jump on a clarity call – you can book yours by clicking this button: