When we set end result goals and focus on them relentlessly it can feel a bit flat after achieving them. There are a couple of ways around this.
One is to set a further end result goal so that when you’ve reached the first goal and you’ve celebrated (very important!), you have something else to aim for. My end result goal might be to have a full diary of paying coaching clients. Once I have met that goal, I might decide to increase my prices and then my new end result goal is to have a full diary of clients paying the higher rate.
Process goals, however, are the key to a happy journey to the end result. My process goals for coaching (and therapy) are to practice empathy, genuineness and unconditional positive regard for every client. It gives me so much pleasure to be with them in this way. I try on what it’s like to be them and can offer my understanding from this way of being. It is just wonderful to be with people like this.
It’s the same in climbing: if I just focus on the end result of getting to the top, it’s not as fulfilling as, say, focusing on my technique whilst climbing. When I decide to pay attention to my footwork, placing each foot carefully, I arrive at the top without being attached to getting there. It’s so much more pleasurable.
Does this make sense? What’s your experience of process goals and end result goals?
Would you like to try out my coaching? I’m a Therapeutic Coach and I work with people who’d like to leave trauma triggers behind and regain their old confident self. I offer a free 30 minute consultation where we look at where you’re at now, where you’d like to be, and what you could do to get there. If it feels appropriate I can share how we could work together. You can book your free session here:
Our inner saboteurs are linked to survival so we can use what’s happening in our bodies to recognise when they’ve hijacked us and make a change to stop them and be present to ourselves and our surroundings.
I’ve got a 2 step process for you:
Recognise it’s happening. Whatever your usual ways of self-sabotage are, they all share something in common: they affect our bodies. They send us into fight, flight, fawn or freeze, which affects heart rate, adrenalin production, voice tone, and facial expressions.
If your heart is racing, you have a dry mouth, and you’re agitated, or your heart rate is slow, you feel numb and your voice is flat, your inner saboteurs have put you into survival mode.
Focus on your breath or one of your senses for at least 2 minutes. As you mindfully pay attention to your breath or a sense without judging, it brings your prefrontal cortex online, which means it’s easier for you to come out of survival mode and begin to be more present to yourself and your surroundings.
This is a quick fix to get you out of survival mode. The long term solution is healing your saboteurs by softening your relationship with them and the disowned parts of you they hide – self-compassion all the way! If you’d like help with this, reach out to me for your free 30 minute consultation. You’ll get some great insights and tips at the very least!
When there are parts of us stopping us from sleeping it can feel annoying, frustrating and pressure can build up, making it even more difficult to get to sleep.
…I’ve been there – frustrated at the restless legs (that’s a Restless saboteur).
… or annoyed at the listening for strange sounds (that’s a Hyper Vigilant saboteur)…
… or the thinking about how affected I’ll be in tomorrow’s tasks if I don’t sleep now (that’s a Controller saboteur).
The saboteurs need love and to be listened to. They are stuck in the past and need reassurance that this situation is different to back then (if it is. If the situation isn’t different then their worries are reasonable).
In this video I share what’s what it’s like to listen to their needs, take action to meet them and the sense of wholeness that comes from being a ‘good enough parent’ to them (and you get a little peek inside my van!):
Leave me a comment below to let me know how you communicate with your parts :o)
They probably won’t. In this video I share what’s underlying those kinds of resistance and how amazing it feels to let them go… do pop a comment below to let me know your experiences of letting go of what no longer serves you :o)
Decluttering your life and your mind frees your energy and creativity!
Recently I had to draw on all my self-compassion reserves and practises when I gave my lodger notice to move out and he behaved angrily towards me.
I could feel lots of child parts of me feeling hurt and that it was unfair so I was very careful to sit with them, rather than react to my lodger.
It wasn’t just child parts that were triggered – it was also parts of me from my 20s and 30s who needed to express and heal from relationships I’d ended and felt guilty about ending (as if it wasn’t my right to end them!).
I allowed it all to unfold, holding space for these parts to feel the feelings I couldn’t really feel back when they were traumatised. I also released a lot of shame and guilt that wasn’t mine, and some that was.
It was not an easy process. In fact I felt great discomfort for a number of days. Inner work is not always lovely and light. It’s also about sitting with the darkness and allowing it to be just as it is so you can feel and process and love the hurts.
I’m so grateful to my lodger for his angry reaction and the judgements he made that triggered these parts to bubble up. Whatever situations we find ourselves in are opportunities to heal and learn.
Once the processing finished I found I felt more whole, more authentic, which means I know myself more. From this space I set and maintain boundaries with greater ease. Does this make sense? Let me know in the comments :o)
I teach the techniques for this in my Sage and Saboteur Empathy Activation 3 Part Series program. It soon becomes second nature when you seize the opportunities to embrace your saboteurs (the parts of you that make you self-sabotage) and, more importantly, those hurt parts of you that need to express themselves for healing to take place.
Are you ready to be more whole, more authentic and set boundaries with greater ease? You can apply to take the Sage and Saboteur Empathy Activation program by booking your clarity call and we’ll see if it’s a good fit for you. Click the button below to apply.
This is an old notebook that I repurposed as a collage sketchbook. I love that it has no purpose other than for me to play. It will never be sold or exhibited. It is simply for me to stick things in and doodle on.
I very much enjoyed sticking and doodling yesterday. It’s been a while. I’d gotten into the habit of do, do, doing. This is, of course, self-sabotage. I call this particular saboteur the Hyper Achiever.
The Hyper Achiever saboteur, along with the Avoider saboteur, help me to avoid painful situations or emotions by constantly doing. I’ve made a tool to help you identify your top saboteurs (awareness is the first step to creating change): https://www.subscribepage.com/identifyyoursaboteurs.
I feel like there’s a lot of self-sabotage like this going on for a lot of people at the moment because of all the anxiety created by media messages of fear and judgement around Covid and what we should or shouldn’t be doing.
What helped me was stopping for a few days with a good friend. We played together. We made cacao and had ceremonies, leading into creative activities. It helped me unwind and reflect on where I was at.
I have a business that I love, but my boundaries had loosened around the hours I was putting in. I’m doing a Masters in Creative Psychotherapy and I had not been giving myself time to process from those sessions. Instead I was trying to tune out with TV. I was feeling unhappy about my living arrangement but because of all the other things, I hadn’t felt like there was time to sort that out.
It’s all about priorities and taking regular breaks to check in with myself and be, create, or whatever I need to do to be with myself authentically. So I started playing again. Giving myself space to play without purpose and it feels GREAT! And also to listen to the traumatised parts of me, but that’s another story I’ll tell you another time…
What’s your favourite way of playing? Leave me a comment below and let me know.
Love Julia xxx
P.S. Want to have a chat about how I can help you with embracing your saboteurs (imagine that!)? Let’s jump on a clarity call – you can book yours by clicking this button: